Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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