ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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