mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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