dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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