the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
