well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
