Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am naked and annoyed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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