I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
