I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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