I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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