she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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