I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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