I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
