yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
