I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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