Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
