mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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