addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
