WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
