we're chasing vodka with high fives
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize