Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Banned from zoo.
Again?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
