I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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