Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
