I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
