Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
