i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
