return my video game
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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