nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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