I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
