I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
