I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
