You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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