I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
