you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
