I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
