do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize