I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
