Michael Bay diarrhea
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
