At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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