Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize