It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
