I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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