There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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