M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
