i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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