Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
