Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
