New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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