I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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