I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
