I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
