Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
