Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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