I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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