I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
