Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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