My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize