dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
