He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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