how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His nipple licking is glorious
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