Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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